The other day, I met up with the moms from my Bittie Baby and Me class at Enloe. I had taken baby to Spanish storytime in the basement at Stoble, grabbed an acai smoothie and the last greeting card from Marisa Segovia’s “Electric” series, then headed up to the rooftop with the other moms. It was one of only two days I would get out of the house that week; ever since my husband went back to work, I’ve found it hard to do much of anything but take care of our baby.
That’s why it surprised me when one mom, who was only two months postpartum, asked me this: “I know you do swim and storytime; what else do you do?” She said that, now that her little one was going to be getting her two-month vaccines, she wanted to know what she should be doing for her brain development. I told her the truth: “I cry.” She thought I was joking, but I wasn’t. When I come home, my baby wants to be held by me constantly. If I try to use my phone while I’m holding her, the windows inevitably get closed when she kicks or moves her hands. If we’re being real, I started this article eight days (edit: three weeks) ago. So I cry, because I don’t feel like I can do anything for myself.
Now, as a speech-language pathologist, I told her the best thing she could do for her baby’s brain development: talk to her. Narrate everything. Put baby in a carrier and do what you need to do. Is it lunch time? “I’m making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. First, I need to get a plate out of the cabinet. Then, I need two slices of bread, and the jars of peanut butter and jelly,” so on and so forth. And read lots of books.
Even with years of experience in early childhood education, this admittedly wasn’t something that came to me naturally. In fact, it didn’t come to me until I was sobbing in the backseat of my mom’s car, baby crying in the car seat next to me, as we were late for swim lessons. I felt terrible that I had paid for something and missed it because I had wanted to take time to do something I enjoyed. I felt like the solution was to never do something for myself again. My mom reminded me that all that matters to my baby is me. Whether we’re at the thrift store, swim lessons, or home, all she wants is to be next to me, and that’s what makes her happy – and she’s even happier when she has a happy mom. I knew this in my heart to be true, of course, but when I didn’t do all of the things, I felt like I was failing as a parent.
I’m guessing that, if you’re reading this, then you’ve felt that way too. I’m here to tell you that you aren’t. I think women are especially susceptible to imposter syndrome, whether it’s in school or in the workforce, and if they become mothers, that increases tenfold. We are surrounded with media that tells us what’s wrong with our child or what we should be doing if we want our children to be smart. My mom has freaked out on multiple occasions because she saw something on Facebook or Instagram that made her think my baby was sick. She had good head control and liked to stand, so she must have hypertonia. Sometimes she shivered, so she must be having infantile spasms. She has the “sugar bug vein,” so she must have a genetic mutation. Dear reader, nothing is wrong with my child, and the people on social media who are telling you to do a parasite cleanse are not healthcare professionals.
Motherhood has changed so much since we were children. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the episode of The Good Place where they realize it’s so much harder to get into Heaven because of how many choices we have to make every day, and how many factors go into each seemingly meaningless decision. I thought I was a good person, but it turns out that I’m going to Hell because I drank almond milk. I am super stoked for any advancements in baby gear that make my child safer, but I find myself in the grocery store saying things like “we can’t give her pouches because there’s mold in them; a study came out that found lead in Gerber baby food.” It’s SO hard to know what choice is the best choice. Even if we made our own baby food from pure fruits or vegetables, is it better to get produce that may have been treated with pesticides, or organic produce that could have bugs inside? What does “organic” really mean? Were the farmers who grew the produce treated ethically? The decision fatigue is so real, and no matter what we do, it’s wrong.
I see so many comments on social media telling moms what they’re doing wrong. If you breastfeed and talk about it publicly, you’re attention-seeking and just want to show off your breasts. If you formula feed, you’re a bad mother and your baby is going to get sick and have inadequate nutrition. If you use a swaddle or sleep sack at bed time, your baby is going to grow up traumatized because you’ve put them in checks notes… a baby straightjacket and they can’t breathe. I want to remind you that the people leaving these comments, for the most part, grew up driving in cars that didn’t have seatbelts – and their parents smoked in the car. Sometimes, being alive isn’t the evidence you think it is for having turned out fine.
If you buckled your child into a rear-facing car seat that isn’t expired today, and you didn’t smoke in the car, you’re doing fine. No matter what brand of baby food you fed them, or how they went to sleep last night, you are doing great with the knowledge that you have and the ever-changing times. If you have to sit your little one down in front of Sesame Street so you can shower, I promise that they will not be scarred for life. And if you only take one tidbit away from this article, I hope it’s what my mom told me: your baby is happy when you are happy.
